blogging as free therapy February 5, 2008

I don’t really have anything new to report, or no new plans, besides the ones I have written about on my most recent blogs. Yet, I still feel the urge to blog.

I’m hoping this will help with my “funk.” See, I have been in a “funk” since the beginning of the year. I don’t know if it has to do with not liking my classes this quarter, or the fact that it’s been raining every day since Jan. 1, or the fact that none of my romantic prospects are turning out, or the fact that I was told I’m not getting a raise this year despite the fact that I have worked my a** off the past year and been promised one. Hmmm… it could be any of those things. Now that I think about it, that’s a lot of things that could be causing it.

Still… there’s this lingering unhappiness and feeling like I should try something different. You know that they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I feel like that is what I have been doing the past 6 (well, 3 for sure!) years here and I need to change. I’ve tried little changes but I think I need to bring on a big change.

I am so impatient that it’s killing me to wait for this change. I promised myself that I would have a “thinking period” of 6 months (going on month #2!) and not make any rash decisions. I would just do research. Then in 6 months (marked my calendar for June) I would make a decision.

Problem is, it’s killing me to wait for June.

But, most likely, if I begin actually doing the stpes in my plan, I shouldn’t be so frustrated.

Back to my main point…I’m hoping this blogging takes away the need to go to therapy these next few months. While I definitely feel it could be of some benefit, I have neither the funds or the time to commit to therapy at this point.

If come June I am the same, or heaven forbid, worse, I will have to elicit the support of an actual medical professional, rather than this blog.

revelations January 31, 2008

So this is the happiest I’ve been in a long time. It’s because I had a revelation and made a deal with myself that in June I am starting over. When I think about how long I’ve been unhappy, I think it’s been about 6-7 months. I just feel like something is off in my life and I need to change it. If I listen to my heart, it says it wants to start fresh. Somewhere new, new scenery, new job, new people, just somewhere new. I feel confined and bored here and I don’t feel like it’s bringing out the best in me. In this new quest to make myself happy, I have to make changes and I think this is one that should be made. Honestly, there’s nothing holding me here. I’m single and have been for the past 7 months. And there has to be something to be said about none of my relationships in the past 6 years working out the way I want them to. There also has to be something to be said about being burnt out on a job after having given it your all and still not being paid what you’re worth. There also must be something to be said about being so depressed when you are in the prime of your life and feeling like you are an outsider and no one relates to you. Am I in a stable frame of mind? I think so. There’s nothing to make me unstable. I just felt when I moved here that this was temporary, and now I’m feeling like it is time for me to move on. So why try to quench that feeling? Why not move on? The worst that could happen would be that I wouldn’t be happy wherever I moved. And really, is that any worse off than I am now? So, my revelation will take place in June (if not sooner, since I am keeping my eyes and ears open.) Things I have to think about in the meantime (6 months) are cities that I want to try to get a job, contacts that I know there that could help me, and schools I might apply for to finish my education. Though having a year of grad school under my belt is not a bad thing. I really feel like I need to listen to my heart, since I’ve been listening to my head for quite some time now and nothings working out. I need to have faith that my life will pan out in my new plans. Have faith that I will get that job, and make that move, and find that perfect (or near perfect) place that I feel is right for me. I just think this is the first thing I’ve been really excited about in a long time. That’s got to be a sign, right?