VD February 14, 2008

can stand for Valentine’s Day, as well as venereal disease. In some cases one is just as bad as the other. Ok, really I don’t want to be the bitter single person who hates the holiday. It’s really just another day. However, I will use this time to get my aggravation out about a boy-situation-turned bad.

So, as you may know, something weird happened a few months ago with a guy that it probably shouldn’t have (I say that because he is kind of like family- we’ve known each other long, but yet, we don’t know each other at all). Anyway, one drunken night over vacation when my friend and I went out with him and his friend, we ended up hooking up (just making out a little, everything PG rated!). And it was very disturbing to me, yet oddly enough I was turned on. (I think that’s what was disturbing.) So, that’s fine. It happened, we were wasted, I figured it was a one-time thing. Earlier that night we had exchanged email addresses for some reason (pre-cursor!?!) And during that two months we had exchanged a few emails.

It was my turn to email and I forgot to email back b/c so much was going on in my life. Then fast-forward 2 months when I see him again. I have a little too much champagne, and it happens AGAIN. Now, we both had some alcohol in our systems but we can’t blame that entirely. And this time it went a little south of PG-rated, if you know what I mean. So after that happens, I realize that I MUST like him, or at the very least like making out with him. Otherwise, why would I continue to do this?

(Also, here’s an interesting counterpoint – does this mean he likes me or likes making out with me? Or do guys just take what they can get?)

So, anyway. A week goes by and I can’t really stop thinking about him, so I figure, what the hell, I’ll email him (since it was technically my turn, anyway) so I emailed and he emailed back the same day sounding excited to hear from me. So, I waited a couple days then emailed again. No email. Now, I knew he had a lot going on and didn’t think twice about it. But then a week passed and then another and I never got a response.

 So, I kind of feel like I should be over it. I should be over it, right? Especially since we really won’t see each other for another 4 months. Part of me was hoping it wouldn’t be that long, but now… why should I go out of my way when he can’t even respond to an email?

Boys! They are so frustrating! Just another reason why it’s nice to be sans VD today.

I had a dream about Brad last night February 9, 2008

I met him when I was 20 and in my junior year of college. I went with some friends to college night at a local club. We met him and his friends on the dance floor, then later he bought me a drink, which resulted in all of us getting kicked out when the bouncer watched me take a sip. Silly little 20 year old!

He kissed me in the parking lot and we exchanged numbers. I wasn’t even drunk so this was a big deal for me. Being sober and making out with a guy I just met. He was tall, 6′4″ to be exact, dark brown hair and brown eyes, chiseled face and body to match. He was the kind of guy any girl would find attractive.

We started dating soon there after and dated all through the rest of my junior year and senior year of college. At graduation he met my parents, my sister, my friends, my grandparents. There are photos of him with my family. We look really happy together. Or maybe that was me being happy graduating college.

After college I moved in with him for a couple months while job and apartment hunting. That’s when the real shit hit the fan. I guess you don’t know someone until you spend 24/7 with them. I’m not sure if it was a quality I had just overlooked before, or something I brought out in him after I moved in, but his anger and rage over little things would kill our relationship. And become so scary to me that even now I still fear running into him.

I fear someone I used to love. Isn’t that weird? I must have some baggage from that relationship, but oddly enough, I’ve managed to get myself in several relationships since then without any trace of the rage in any of theh guys. And, after the restraining order, and changing my job and my address, he has been since long gone.

Still I wonder if we’ll ever run into each other again.

question January 31, 2008

Question: What do a 25 year old guy and a 30 year old woman have in common?

 Answer: Exactly.

a page out of January 29, 2008

“he’s just not that into you.” That’s what my life is beginning to feel like. Now, I know I’m impatient, but sheesh! This is getting ridiculous. Why don’t guys want to put in the legwork anymore? They just want instant gratification. And to tell you the truth, that’s what I want right now as well! But I want it with the proper phone calls and emails. I should have known neither of these guys were going to be more than a fling or drunken make out session or one nighter (even though I didn’t have sex with either of them!) I don’t get it. Really, it’s not that complicated. But if you have time in your life to take trips every weekend and go drinking with your friends and whatever, certainly you have time to call/email/visit. So, I guess that since you are not doing those things, you just aren’t that into me. And I thought I was OK with that, but really I like to be desired and am not feeling that from either of you (unless of course, you are in the room, then of course you desire me.) What is wrong with you people! What do I have to do to get a rise out of anyone?!

Seriously, I have already told you both off. Already told you both that you are full of shit, and you deny it and claim to have feelings but then there’s this long period of nothingness where I can only conclude that you are not thinking of me, wanting me, or whatever. God knows what you’re doing (or who you’re doing, rather.) but I just don’t have it in me to wait for you.

The sad thing is, I want instant gratification so much that I feel like going out and getting it with the next guy I meet, just so I feel that “high” of being wanted and desired. But I am going from short-term to short-term and no wonder nothing is panning out for me.

I guess I can stop looking for fun and just resign myself to being single and by myself for the rest of my life but that will make me (believe it or not) even more frustrated than I am right now.

I really must need a vacation…

highs & lows January 26, 2008

So one thing that’s so exciting about meeting someone new is the anticipation of things… when he will call or email, when the next time you see him will be, and so on. But, ironically, that’s also the most frustrating part of the beginning. Nothing’s better than the high you get when you hear from him, especially if he has good news, or says something sweet and affectionate, or leads you to believe that he may be thinking of you as much as you’re thinking about him. But nothings worse than after you have talked to him, or emailed him, and he hasn’t replied….yet. You hope he will reply, but there’s always that doubt in your mind that maybe he won’t and it’s all a big mirage and will soon be over. Obviously, that’s the worst-case scenario, but that’s the kind of thinking I do, especially after I have returned the ball to his court.

Speaking of balls in courts, I have about 4 I’m passing back and forth in mine. Nothing really to speak of yet, not even sure I like all of them, but I like the anticipation and possibility of liking all (or at least 1) of them. My hope is that the one (or 2 or 3 or 4) that I like will be the one that likes me back.

I wish I could enjoy the rollercoasters and not hate them so much, but my heart really likes the stability of being in a relationship and I guess that’s what I crave.

I guess I should remember that I will eventually meet the right person, and have a relationship that will turn long-term and into marriage, and then I won’t get to have these sorts of roller-coasters again… so maybe I should enjoy the ride while I’m on it

what makes a relationship work, and non-commitment January 20, 2008

So, it occured to me that everyone is looking for the same thing in a boy/girlfriend. Someone who is nice, honest, smart (to some degree, depending on the person), attractive, with a good sense of humor. If everyone is looking for such common qualities (of which I could attribute to each and every one of my friends) why is it so hard to find that person? So, that makes me think that it all boils down to the “connection”…the chemistry you have with someone. I guess that is the tie that binds. What about when the chemistry runs out? Or, if you are with the right person does the chemistry never run out? These are things to ask my newly engaged friend. How did she know he was the one? Maybe that will help shed some light.

On another note, I just recently realized that my whole life since college has been a string of non-commitments. This can specifically be seen in my apartments. Below you will find a list of years and moves I have made over the past 10 years…

1) May 2000 – Right after college – in with boyfriend – 3 months

2) July 2000 – shitty suburban apt with internet roommate and her 2 year old (do I need to say how that ended?)

3) January 2001 – downtown victorian with friend of a friend. Lived in a shitty non-insulated patio-turned-bedroom and had to share a bathroom with god-knows-who she brought home from the bar last night.

4) June 2001 – thank god! my good friend is moving to town and we’re getting a place together. By far, the best living situation.

5) July 2004 – best friend/roommie decides she is re-locating. I pick a small 1bedroom downtown complete with cockroaches and sketchy neighbors.

6) April 2005 – former co-worker and I discover we are both unhappy in our current living situation and decide to start apt. hunting. Find a too-good-too-be true remodeld, granite countertops, hard wood floors, 2b/2b.

7) October 2005 – She moves to another city with her boyfriend.

November 2005 – I move into a better apt in the same complex with a pyscho. (unknowingly, of course.)

9) June 2007 – move in with a seemingly supersweet co-worker who kicks me out 6 months later

10) Present day 2008 – live by myself in a spacious one-bedroom in a happening area of town.

Let me just showcase this problem in another area of my life, dating:

1) college boyfriend, Pot Head - lasted 6 months after college

2) rebound with co-worker Techie Geek – 6 -10 months

3) singledom/wild child – 2-3 months

4) meet LOML Military Man at a club – together 2 years

5) LOML Military Man sent overseas for 3 years. Rebound with guy friend Emo Whiner- 10 months.

6) singledom/wild child – 3-4 months

7) Meet former classmate Control Freak on match.com and date for almost a year with no “I love you” – 11 months

8) singledom – 13 months!! (many guys, fun times, I’ll need to make a separate blog for this period in my life)

9) Meet Safe Bet on eharmony.com & date for 6 months before realizing I don’t want to play it safe.

10) singledom (present-day) going on 7 months.

So, it seems I’m on the 10th phase on my apartment and dating life. What will come next??

what goes around… December 22, 2007

so I took a bit of a hiatus while some crazy stuff was going on in my love life. Really, this crazy stuff was 2 isolated incidents, but they were so crazy that it has taken me this long to recover. Why is it when you think something can never happen, it does? take for example, making out with someone you never thought you would, and then worrying later that you might have liked it, only to find out that he didn’t (or did he? we don’t know, and we’ll never ask.) Then 2 weeks later, fast forward to your moving day and your ex coming by to help (as a good “friend” gesture) which results in said action and even “should we get back together thoughts?” Those thoughts are never good. Even when you’re like me and have spent the last several months contemplating that question, but finally started to move on.  (which begs another question, why has it taken 6 months to move on when we only dated for 6 months? That’s unlike me… i should have been over it in a matter of 2, 3 tops.) Lord knows. At this point I’m praying a tall dark handsome stranger waltzes into my life and lets me forget about the prior 2. If not, well, I guess I’ll have to deal with the consequences of my actions.