question January 31, 2008

Question: What do a 25 year old guy and a 30 year old woman have in common?

 Answer: Exactly.

revelations January 31, 2008

So this is the happiest I’ve been in a long time. It’s because I had a revelation and made a deal with myself that in June I am starting over. When I think about how long I’ve been unhappy, I think it’s been about 6-7 months. I just feel like something is off in my life and I need to change it. If I listen to my heart, it says it wants to start fresh. Somewhere new, new scenery, new job, new people, just somewhere new. I feel confined and bored here and I don’t feel like it’s bringing out the best in me. In this new quest to make myself happy, I have to make changes and I think this is one that should be made. Honestly, there’s nothing holding me here. I’m single and have been for the past 7 months. And there has to be something to be said about none of my relationships in the past 6 years working out the way I want them to. There also has to be something to be said about being burnt out on a job after having given it your all and still not being paid what you’re worth. There also must be something to be said about being so depressed when you are in the prime of your life and feeling like you are an outsider and no one relates to you. Am I in a stable frame of mind? I think so. There’s nothing to make me unstable. I just felt when I moved here that this was temporary, and now I’m feeling like it is time for me to move on. So why try to quench that feeling? Why not move on? The worst that could happen would be that I wouldn’t be happy wherever I moved. And really, is that any worse off than I am now? So, my revelation will take place in June (if not sooner, since I am keeping my eyes and ears open.) Things I have to think about in the meantime (6 months) are cities that I want to try to get a job, contacts that I know there that could help me, and schools I might apply for to finish my education. Though having a year of grad school under my belt is not a bad thing. I really feel like I need to listen to my heart, since I’ve been listening to my head for quite some time now and nothings working out. I need to have faith that my life will pan out in my new plans. Have faith that I will get that job, and make that move, and find that perfect (or near perfect) place that I feel is right for me. I just think this is the first thing I’ve been really excited about in a long time. That’s got to be a sign, right?

what makes me happy January 30, 2008

I’m having a hard time finding it lately so I think I need to make a list and see what comes out….

What makes me happy, in general:

• travelling
• friends
• the ocean
• live concerts
• running/being active
• writing
• being able to be creative
• massages
• making out
• warm weather
• the beach

what will make me happy in terms of where I live:

• when there’s always something going on
• when the weather is nice
• when I have a group of friends to go out with
• when I have time to have a social life
• when I don’t feel all the pressures crashing down on me
• when there are lots of cute guys

What makes me happy at work:

• when I have autonomy
• when I’m not in too structured of an environment
• when I can make my own schedule
• when I can be creative
• when I am in charge
• when I have time to brainstorm and am not stressed
• when I am working collaboratively with others
• when I’m able to see my projects develop into fruition

What would make my life better right now:

• a change of some sort
• a new location and new city
• new friends and new scenery

a page out of January 29, 2008

“he’s just not that into you.” That’s what my life is beginning to feel like. Now, I know I’m impatient, but sheesh! This is getting ridiculous. Why don’t guys want to put in the legwork anymore? They just want instant gratification. And to tell you the truth, that’s what I want right now as well! But I want it with the proper phone calls and emails. I should have known neither of these guys were going to be more than a fling or drunken make out session or one nighter (even though I didn’t have sex with either of them!) I don’t get it. Really, it’s not that complicated. But if you have time in your life to take trips every weekend and go drinking with your friends and whatever, certainly you have time to call/email/visit. So, I guess that since you are not doing those things, you just aren’t that into me. And I thought I was OK with that, but really I like to be desired and am not feeling that from either of you (unless of course, you are in the room, then of course you desire me.) What is wrong with you people! What do I have to do to get a rise out of anyone?!

Seriously, I have already told you both off. Already told you both that you are full of shit, and you deny it and claim to have feelings but then there’s this long period of nothingness where I can only conclude that you are not thinking of me, wanting me, or whatever. God knows what you’re doing (or who you’re doing, rather.) but I just don’t have it in me to wait for you.

The sad thing is, I want instant gratification so much that I feel like going out and getting it with the next guy I meet, just so I feel that “high” of being wanted and desired. But I am going from short-term to short-term and no wonder nothing is panning out for me.

I guess I can stop looking for fun and just resign myself to being single and by myself for the rest of my life but that will make me (believe it or not) even more frustrated than I am right now.

I really must need a vacation…

2 new resolutions January 27, 2008

so I woke up this morning with 2 new resolutions for the new year. I’m not going to make all those small resolutions that I do every year about eating better, working out more, advancing my career and doing something about my dating life. Instead, I’m going to boil it down to 2 main goals that I will accomplish in 2008.

1) get a new job. this is long over-due and I feel like the time for change is now. Honestly, when I write this I get really excited about the prospect of just doing something new. What that will be yet, I don’t know. But I know I’ll keep my eyes and ears open, and use every chance I get to meet new people who might be able to lead me to my goal.

2) get a new boyfriend. Yeah, the old ones have been hanging around too long and just aren’t doing it for me anymore. So, this is the year of the new boyfriend. He will be cute, charming, successful, handsome, tall, and adore me. How I will meet him yet I’m not so sure, but I will keep my eyes and ears open and be friendly with everyone I meet in hopes that they will help me reach my goal.

Interestly enough, I can use the same tactics for both.

highs & lows January 26, 2008

So one thing that’s so exciting about meeting someone new is the anticipation of things… when he will call or email, when the next time you see him will be, and so on. But, ironically, that’s also the most frustrating part of the beginning. Nothing’s better than the high you get when you hear from him, especially if he has good news, or says something sweet and affectionate, or leads you to believe that he may be thinking of you as much as you’re thinking about him. But nothings worse than after you have talked to him, or emailed him, and he hasn’t replied….yet. You hope he will reply, but there’s always that doubt in your mind that maybe he won’t and it’s all a big mirage and will soon be over. Obviously, that’s the worst-case scenario, but that’s the kind of thinking I do, especially after I have returned the ball to his court.

Speaking of balls in courts, I have about 4 I’m passing back and forth in mine. Nothing really to speak of yet, not even sure I like all of them, but I like the anticipation and possibility of liking all (or at least 1) of them. My hope is that the one (or 2 or 3 or 4) that I like will be the one that likes me back.

I wish I could enjoy the rollercoasters and not hate them so much, but my heart really likes the stability of being in a relationship and I guess that’s what I crave.

I guess I should remember that I will eventually meet the right person, and have a relationship that will turn long-term and into marriage, and then I won’t get to have these sorts of roller-coasters again… so maybe I should enjoy the ride while I’m on it

what makes a relationship work, and non-commitment January 20, 2008

So, it occured to me that everyone is looking for the same thing in a boy/girlfriend. Someone who is nice, honest, smart (to some degree, depending on the person), attractive, with a good sense of humor. If everyone is looking for such common qualities (of which I could attribute to each and every one of my friends) why is it so hard to find that person? So, that makes me think that it all boils down to the “connection”…the chemistry you have with someone. I guess that is the tie that binds. What about when the chemistry runs out? Or, if you are with the right person does the chemistry never run out? These are things to ask my newly engaged friend. How did she know he was the one? Maybe that will help shed some light.

On another note, I just recently realized that my whole life since college has been a string of non-commitments. This can specifically be seen in my apartments. Below you will find a list of years and moves I have made over the past 10 years…

1) May 2000 – Right after college – in with boyfriend – 3 months

2) July 2000 – shitty suburban apt with internet roommate and her 2 year old (do I need to say how that ended?)

3) January 2001 – downtown victorian with friend of a friend. Lived in a shitty non-insulated patio-turned-bedroom and had to share a bathroom with god-knows-who she brought home from the bar last night.

4) June 2001 – thank god! my good friend is moving to town and we’re getting a place together. By far, the best living situation.

5) July 2004 – best friend/roommie decides she is re-locating. I pick a small 1bedroom downtown complete with cockroaches and sketchy neighbors.

6) April 2005 – former co-worker and I discover we are both unhappy in our current living situation and decide to start apt. hunting. Find a too-good-too-be true remodeld, granite countertops, hard wood floors, 2b/2b.

7) October 2005 – She moves to another city with her boyfriend.

November 2005 – I move into a better apt in the same complex with a pyscho. (unknowingly, of course.)

9) June 2007 – move in with a seemingly supersweet co-worker who kicks me out 6 months later

10) Present day 2008 – live by myself in a spacious one-bedroom in a happening area of town.

Let me just showcase this problem in another area of my life, dating:

1) college boyfriend, Pot Head - lasted 6 months after college

2) rebound with co-worker Techie Geek – 6 -10 months

3) singledom/wild child – 2-3 months

4) meet LOML Military Man at a club – together 2 years

5) LOML Military Man sent overseas for 3 years. Rebound with guy friend Emo Whiner- 10 months.

6) singledom/wild child – 3-4 months

7) Meet former classmate Control Freak on match.com and date for almost a year with no “I love you” – 11 months

8) singledom – 13 months!! (many guys, fun times, I’ll need to make a separate blog for this period in my life)

9) Meet Safe Bet on eharmony.com & date for 6 months before realizing I don’t want to play it safe.

10) singledom (present-day) going on 7 months.

So, it seems I’m on the 10th phase on my apartment and dating life. What will come next??

My New 18 month plan January 19, 2008

Long-term, here we come.

So, in a year and a half, I will have lived in this city for 10 years. If my life is not going in the direction I want in 18 months, I will move and try a new city.

In the meantime, I should…

1. Always keep my eyes open for jobs.

2. Network, network, network

3. Travel a lot to see what areas I would like to live

4. Keep an open mind.

5. Consider your career path and other possible options from what you’re doing now.

6. Enlist the help of friends and family.

7. Assess your progress towards this goal in 6 months from now.

My New 5-month Plan January 19, 2008

OK, so my life is getting any longer and I’m certainly not getting any younger. Also, 4 straight days of being cooped up here by myself is making me border-line crazy, so that may have contributed to this.

So, in no particular order, things to do before I turn 30 (5 months and counting):

1. Be fearless. Do things you fear. Or rather, don’t let fear stop you from doing things you want.

2. Apply for jobs. Throw that resume out there and see what sticks.

3. Re-connect with old friends.

4. Plan a kick-ass trip with your girlfriends for your birthday.

5. Go sky-diving.

6. Find a partner to go sky-diving with.

7. Cook at home more.

8. Take a dance class (possibly in summer if you are not taking other classes.)

9. Go on a spa trip to AZ.

10. Flirt more.

11. Have good (safe) sex! (this is long overdue)

12. Learn how to shoot a gun.

follow-up January 14, 2008

Let me expand on that last post… I must have needed this second chance to be able to finally say good-bye to this relationship. I tend to second-guess my decisions, so I guess when  I come up with the same decision, not once, but twice, I can finally trust myself and move on.