just when you think things can’t get stranger… November 29, 2007

they do. Really I feel like I’ve seen, heard, felt it all…esp in terms of my love life. Then something weird you never thought about happens and changes things. Or, really, it doesn’t change things…but your mind THINKS it changes things. Then you develop a crush on someone you a) should not have a crush on for every single reason in the book and b) someone who it would never (and, let’s be frank, should never) work in the first place!

Is it because there’s no one else in my life right now that I’m focusing on this moment? Or, most likely, is it because it just happened and I can’t get the strange incident out of my mind. I’m honestly not sure if I find it strangely gross or strangely turning me on. Either way, kind of weird.

The thing that this did accomplish, however, at least for the time being, was help me get past my dreaded ex. The one that keeps haunting me and making me want to go back even though I know it’s wrong.

So it’s like I’ve replaced one addiction with another…maybe ok in some cases but not good in this one. I’ve got to nip this in the bud.

there’s a reason November 5, 2007

people break up. Really, there’s always a reason. Even months or years afterwards when you can only remember the good times and how much you loved someone, there’s still a reason. Sometimes, in the low moments you must remind yourself of the reason. The reason could be that you just weren’t getting along and didn’t see it getting better. The reason could be that you weren’t feeling “it” anymore, or that the spark was gone. The reason could be that you just weren’t sure. All of these are valid reasons. And you know in your heart you wouldn’t just do something without a reason or strong feelings to back it up. You don’t need to enter back into that situation to be reminded once again, after a period of time, of the SAME reason you did it in the first place. Really, that is the definition of foolishness. Fool me twice… you know what they say.

I’m sure that things really wouldn’t have changed. In fact, they may be worse now that situations are different, people have less time, peoples lives are going different places. Those are all really good reasons to deny yourself esp. what may be temporary pleasure. Sometimes it’s just the thoughts of it that get to me so much. I know in my heart of hearts the reality couldn’t be as great as my thoughts. But can reality ever measure up to my thoughts? Has my “thoughtfulness” created the emptiness that can’t ever get filled no matter what? And, is it no matter what, or is it just that it hasn’t happened yet.

I look around and other people are coupled up and are content but not ecstatic. Why does it have to be ecstatic? Can it be comfortable? But you remember that you broke up with comfortable b/c you were more than 50% sure that it could get better. That’s the fact you can’t forget. Also…. you know yourself, so if you think you will have it better – then you better trust yourself.